Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
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I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
peeping toms
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.