My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
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me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*