Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
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I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I feel this so hard
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury