Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
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Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
crochet youtube is brutal
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.