Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
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*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
this is how life feels
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING