I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
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Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
i choose….tongue
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Yes, but it was never about money
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
For anyone who needs this today
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me