My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
another case of gang violins
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?