ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
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Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.