Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
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I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
britain’s three elite institutions