“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
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I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.