I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
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alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
uh oh
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
they really do be looking like this
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know