[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.