Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
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There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
philosophical skeletons be like
Lassie, get help!
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
*struts into the new year
~ trips
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
it be like that
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?