Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
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what’s really going on
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.