Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
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Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?