People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
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When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.