The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
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Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Word!
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.