The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
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Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”