Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
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Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Guy who likes music
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’