Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
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Is….Is this an option?
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
LMAO
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”