My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
You Might Also Like
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.