Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
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“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.