I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
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One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
The happy life.. 😊
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
me 2 months after i graduated
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.