Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
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Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Lucky old June.