God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
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(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
*seductively peels off lederhosen
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good