hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
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We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Natural selection at its finest
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Human are so complicated
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.