[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
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Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
White parent Vs Arab parents
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*