Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
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I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
What is going on? 😅
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?