stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
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They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me