In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
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My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh