At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
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[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?