*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
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“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
My time has come.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
THIS HEADLINE
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
That’s a good costume, I hope.