Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
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I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably