Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
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It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Ugh but profoundly
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.