I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
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Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.