*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
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“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Me checking my bank balance online.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.