I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
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Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Taliband
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.