If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
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HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
worst…sale…ever
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.