My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
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(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
LMAO
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.