In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
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What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back