TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
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Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Tastes like chicken.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.