The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
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First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.