Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
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I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
I hate everything
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I thought this was funny lol
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.