[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
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Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.