Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
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Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
How it started How it’s going
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Your secret is safeish with me
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
O Wise One….
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”