I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
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Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Trumpy Cat
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.