as is their right
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stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
knights of the ikea table
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.