Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
You Might Also Like
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.