When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
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I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.