Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
You Might Also Like
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.